Spectrum

Nothing makes me feel
The way I want to feel
I’m not bored
I miss a feeling
I’m lonely from emotions
Theres a feeling in my heart
This immense unprecedented joy
That can’t be released
Because it has no reason to be released
The environment for fun is missing
There should be a word for it
The word for love you get only from a close friend

-Euraphia-
The feeling of doing something, chill ,fun and sober, with only your closest friends that you trust and love and connect with, dark at 8pm on a night in the prime of your life, knowing that no matter what happens tomorrow it will not be more important than the feeling you have in that very moment.

I wish for that so bad
My waking moments are filled with obsession
I feel it weighing me down in the day
The need
To experience something that nobody ever seeks
That those who miss regret forever
And those that have will never not take for granted
I feel like I missed it

I’m 18 years old.
I am so far into my life
In terms of enjoyment
I have plenty of days left
For stress and worry and sorting things out
But I feel like I’m nearing the end of my fun
Its terrifying

I never had that feeling fully
I know now that I need it
But I wasted all my chances
Not realising what it even was
That fleeting feeling of being where you’re supposed to be
Euraphia

I’ve never fit in
There’s a technical term for my rubbish socialising
I’ve never let a friend get too close
I’ve never had the chance
I’ve always talked to people the wrong way for it to happen
I spend parties too worried about what I’m saying or doing
I spend days out thinking about all the ways I could die in the next 5 minutes
I’m scared

I never realised how serious my anxiety was until I started to talk to people
I worry in ways a common person shouldn’t
I have the emotional composure of a cartoon character
It’s hard to explain
If I start to think the couch will eat me
I will stand for a week

I’ve had fleeting attempts at friend groups in the past
People that were patient at mass
In honesty, not self criticism
People I never got connected to because I always felt like a burden

Thus, certain days are missing
Days where I was supposed to be laying around
At a friends house
With bad music playing
Dreaming about everything
And doing nothing
I miss it
I never had it
But I miss it.


I spend my days now sadly
Begging the universe to bless me with a perfect set of friends
People to trust and share and love
I don’t want to settle anymore
I’m so tired of drifting
Expecting my life to just fix around me
I demand perfection
In myself and others
I dare my world to be perfectly imperfect
Flawed in the exact way that makes us human
Without making us bad
I crave that true benevolence

I know people that had it
The 5 true friends and the nice nights lying around
They don’t care
They flaunted and spent it
As I did with my maturity
We do not trust our gifts
Because we didn’t earn them
So we flaunt and spend them
And beg for the one thing we were not given

I am so very aware of myself
I can feel every negative turn and impression
Generated from this monologue
I’ve stopped caring
I’m not going to be the precise me
I will become a human
And I will slot in with all the others
And I will find those perfect friends
And i will fill that hole in my heart
I must
Because I don’t know how much longer i can feel so severely alone.